


Unbidden Thoughts

by Carohas



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-29
Updated: 2015-01-29
Packaged: 2018-03-09 14:02:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3252461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carohas/pseuds/Carohas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Months after Finn's death, Clarke, and by consequence Bellamy, are still struggling with it.<br/>Three short scenes between the two of them telling the same story from each of their perspectives. </p><p>The thought comes to him, unbidden, as if the boy he was has defied time itself to remind him of his past transgressions. "With Finn around, she’ll never see you."<br/>-----<br/>The last few months felt like a dream. A horrible dream she could never wake up from. "Thank you, Princess."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Bellamy

The thought comes to him, unbidden, as if the boy he was has defied time itself to remind him of his past transgressions. _With Finn around, she’ll never see you._ He slams his palm into the nearest tree with an anguished groan. _It’s like you’re not even here_. His eyes are shut tight as he sinks to the ground and leans against its roots. A tear somehow slips between his eyelids to roll down his cheek as he tries to banish the dark thoughts that have been plaguing him ever since Finn died. _You can’t compete with a memory._  

 

Clarke hadn’t looked at him properly in months. It was as if she were looking through him, or past him, or seeing somebody else entirely. The only time she seemed anything at all like the Clarke he knew, the Clarke he loved, was the few occasions that he managed to rile her up into an argument, which almost never ended well.   
“Bellamy! You can’t do this!”  
“Can’t do what, Clarke?” He’d stopped calling her ‘Princess’ after she’d broken down the first time he said it to her since Finn’s death, and he’d remembered it was a nickname Spacewalker had coined.  
Clarke opened her mouth to speak but stopped herself and her shut-off expression returned. “Oh my god, Clarke, just say it! Say anything! Just tell me something that’s real, and I’ll stay.”  
Clarke’s only response was to turn away from him.  
“Right,” Bellamy let out a sigh, “I’ll see you ‘round, Sunshine,” and he turned for the door.  
“Bellamy” he paused, giving her a chance to speak. “I, I can’t do this.” He heard her start sobbing and turned back toward her, moving around the table that separated them to comfort her as she fell to the ground. “Shhh, it’s okay Clarke. It’s okay.” 

 

Some time later he was still stroking her hair as Clarke tried to regain her composure, though sobs were still racking through her body. “Clarke, we can’t go on like this, you can’t keep shutting me out. I can’t do it.” He took a deep breath before he continued. “I know I’m not Finn, but…” Clarke sat up abruptly, interrupting his sentence. “Bellamy, I know you’re not Finn, I don’t expect you to be.”  
“Then why all the silence aye? You haven’t talked to me so much as ordered me around ever since he died, and I’m done letting you!”  
“Well isn’t that what you all wanted?! A leader? And for the record, Bellamy, Finn didn’t _die_ , he was _killed.”_ Clarke stood to her feet as she continued. “By me. The girl he loved, who professed to love him. And I **_killed_ ** him Bellamy! I’m _sorry_ I haven’t been in the mood to _talk!_ ”  
Bellamy stood to his feet and moved toward her. “Did it ever occur to you, Clarke, that we were looking to you for guidance? You’ve always been the one to care about people, to stitch us up when we need it, and you’re moping about the place giving sullen orders to kids who just need a kind word? It doesn’t exactly set the best example for rebuilding a broken society.” Clarke opened her mouth to respond, as Bellamy shut her down. “No, I’m not done yet.” He took Clarke’s hands in his and forced her to look at him as he spoke. “ Clarke, Finn’s death was his own doing. He killed 18 people Clarke, _18_ , and the price of that, and of our peace treaty, was his death. You _saved_ him. You saw how Gustus died, how Raven was treated. He would’ve died in absolute agony, but you spared him that, just like with Atom.” He took a deep breath before he continued. “I couldn’t do it, you know. Kill Atom. He begged me and I just held the knife in my hand, until you showed up and sang him a song as you ended his pain. Killing Finn was just the same. You did what needed to be done to spare him, and I’ve never thought more highly of anyone.” With that, he gently dropped her hands, leaving her with nothing but her thoughts and tear stained cheeks. 

 

His bed was moving and someone was gently saying his name repeatedly. He cracked an eye open to see his blonde princess leaning over him. “Clarke?” He said in a croaky unused voice. “What are you doing here?”  
“Bellamy, you can’t leave.”  
He fell back against his pillow and sighed. “Clarke, it’s too early for this. The sun isn’t even up. And we’ve been over this.” He rolled over to try and escape her, to no avail.  
“Bellamy, I can’t do this without you.”  
“What? Of course you can. I’m not the only man with a gun anymore.”  
“You think that’s the only reason I need you, Bell?” His eyes flew open and he felt his heart beat a little bit faster at that, though he still didn’t look at her. “Bellamy, I, you’re, you’re so much more than just a man with a gun. You’re inspiring, charismatic and most importantly, honest. I need you here, with me, so we can work together to keep the rest of us alive, like we used to. We’re a good team and I don’t know if I can do this without you.” He’d turned over partway through her speech, mostly out of disbelief, and now he hesitantly reached out to stroke her arm. The surprise of his touch brought her eyes quickly to his. “Okay. I’ll stay.” Their eyes remained locked for seconds more until he broke it with a smile and said, “but seriously, can we get some sleep now?”  
Clarke gave him a slow grin as she stood to leave, her hand lingering for just a moment. “Sure, Bellamy. I’ll see you in the morning.” He watched her as she slipped out of his tent, wishing for just a moment that he’d asked her to stay, before shaking the thought from his mind. _She loves Finn_ that darker side of him whispered. _But she needs me…_ And with that being the last thought to cross his mind, he falls asleep with a smile on his face. 

 


	2. Clarke

The last few months felt like a dream. A horrible dream she could never wake up from. _Thank you, Princess_. The words haunted her, followed her around everywhere she went. From the med-tent to her own, every sentence, every situation reminded her of him. This time, as she watched Bellamy walk away from her, that familiar hurt look in his eye, she wondered if it would be for the last time. She just couldn’t seem to stop hurting people. Even when she was doing her best to hold it all together, to be the leader they needed her to be.

Lately though, she’d started to forget. Forget what it felt like to be touched by him, to hear her name on his lips, to simply enjoy his company and his view of the world. And it was happening more and more often around Bellamy. She couldn’t explain it, but from time to time she’d find herself caught up in their conversation, or their argument to put it more accurately, and it would be as if nothing had changed, and Finn was simply yet to join them. As soon as that thought struck her, she couldn’t stand it any more, she had to leave. How could she possibly enjoy something when the boy she loved would never enjoy anything again, and she was responsible for it?

He was talking about leaving them, leaving her, and she couldn’t stand it. “Bellamy! You can’t do this!”   
“Can’t do what, Clarke?” For a moment she’d thought he was going to call her Princess. She almost missed it. Then she remembered Finn, and the words that were on the tip of her tongue a moment ago dissipated. “Oh my god, Clarke, just say it! Say anything! Just tell me something that’s real, and I’ll stay.” She couldn’t do this, she couldn’t tell him what was going on, she hardly knew herself. As she turned away from him, she heard him let out a sigh. “Right. I’ll see you ‘round, Sunshine.” And he made for the door.  
 With tears slipping down her cheeks she managed to croak out his name. “Bellamy… I, I can’t do this.”As she fell in a pile to the ground, she felt his arms wrap around her to guide her way down, and his warm deep voice telling her it was going to be okay. If only she could believe it.

Her mind was a jumble of thoughts. When did he start calling me Sunshine? Why? I’ve hardly been the brightest person to be around. Finn used to cal me Princess. I’ll never see him again. It was me. I can’t do this. How can they trust a leader who can’t trust herself? I’m a healer, not a killer. Bellamy’s voice interrupted her thoughts. “Clarke, we can’t go on like this.” I know. “You can’t keep shutting me out. I can’t do it.” She felt his chest rise deeply against her. “I know I’m not Finn, but”  At that she had to stop him.  
“Bellamy, I know you’re not Finn.” Sitting up to look him in the eye she added, “I don’t expect you to be.” As she sat up, his arm fell from its position around her to her back, then away entirely as he responded.   
“Then why all the silence aye? You haven’t talked to me so much as ordered me around ever since he died, and I’m done letting you!”   
Clarke was confused. “Isn’t that what you all wanted?! A leader? And for the record, Bellamy, Finn didn’t die, he was killed. By me. The girl he loved, who professed to love him.” Clarke didn’t miss him wince at those words, but continued nonetheless. “And I killed him, Bellamy! I’m so sorry I haven’t been in the mood to talk!” At some point in her speech she must’ve stood up, because now Bellamy was joining her, not an inch from her face.    
“Did it ever occur to you, Clarke, that we were looking to you for guidance? You've always been the one to care about people, to stitch us up when we need it, and you’re moping about the place giving sullen orders to kids who just need a kind word? It doesn't exactly set the best example for rebuilding a broken society.” Just as she tried to make some form of rebuttal, Bellamy shut her down. “No, I’m not done yet.” Taking her hands in his he forced her to look him in the eye as he continued. “Clarke, Finn’s death was his own doing. He killed 18 people Clarke. 18. And the price of that, and of our peace treaty, was his death. You saved him. You saw how Gustus died, how Raven was treated. He would’ve died in absolute agony, but you spared him that, just like with Atom.” Taking another deep breath, he continued. “I couldn’t do it, you know. Kill Atom. He begged me and I just held the knife in my hand, until you showed up and sang him a song as you need his pain. Killing Finn was just the same. You did what needed to be done to spare him, and I’ve never thought more highly of anyone in my life.” Leaving her stunned, he gently dropped her hands back to her sides, leaving her with tear stained cheeks and a million more thoughts to process.

She couldn’t sleep. Which wasn’t exactly new for her, but she was tired of it, and for the first time, it wasn't Finn keeping her awake at night. She couldn’t shake what Bellamy had said out of her head. These thoughts had already occurred to her, of course. The rational part of her knew that killing Finn was all she could have done for him, but it was hard to forgive herself. The knowledge that others had forgiven her, even respected and admired her for making that hard choice, well, it put things in a new perspective. Bellamy… He had to know what his leaving would do to her, surely? But then again, she could hardly blame him for not seeing what was so obvious to her but transparent to him. She had to go see him. She couldn’t let him leave. She needed him, the Sky people needed him, he couldn’t just disappear from their lives under some pretence of helping the alliance.

It was a cold walk to his tent. She’d neglected to put her jacket on, and was now struggling to remain unseen sneaking to Bellamy’s tent. She didn’t want them to get the wrong idea.  “Bellamy.” She rocked his bed, gently sitting on the edge of it. “Bellamy,” she whispered. “Bellamy, come on, wake up.”  
 His deep voice slowly grumbled over her name. “Clarke? What are you doing here?”   
“Bellamy, you can’t leave.”  
His raised head fell back against his pillow. “Clarke, it’s too early for this. The sun isn’t even up. And we’ve been over this.” He turned away from her, leaving her talking to his back.  
 “Bellamy, I can’t do this without you.”   
“What? Of course you can. I’m not the only man with a gun anymore.”   
“You think that’s the only reason I need you, Bell?” Keeping her voice quiet and even was a chore as she became more and more exasperated with him. “Bellamy, I… You’re…” She collected her thoughts. “You’re so much more than just a man with a gun. You’re inspiring, charismatic, and most importantly, honest. I need you here, with me, so we can work together to keep us alive, like we used to. We’re a good team, and I don’t know if I can do this without you.” She hung her head down as she realised that maybe, just maybe her speech hadn’t worked. She was contemplating leaving when she felt a hand on her arm, and turned to see Bellamy gazing intently at her.  
“Okay. I’ll stay.” His hand dropped back to his bed but his eyes remained locked on hers until he smiled and said, “seriously, can we get some sleep now?” She broke into a slow grin as she replied.  
“Sure, Bellamy, I’ll see you in the morning.” With that, she got up and strode out of her tent, feeling content and at ease with the world. Maybe this was what life could be like now; a mixture of bad a good moments, with extra effort put in to remembering all the good that they’d done, instead of the lives that they’d lost. The only way to honour Finn’s death was to continue living, and to maintain the treaty his death and bought them. Otherwise it was all for nought. They could do it though. She was confident of that, at least. Side by side, she and Bellamy could build Rome in a day if they put their minds to it.


End file.
